Everything is written.

“Ayokoing makita mo aking nasasaktan dahil baka mas masaktan lang ako kapag nakita kong wala kang pakialam!”

Things happen with valid reasons… If you doubt why something happens to you, stick to this: “We can never learn to be strong if the only thing in this world is joy.”

“Between love and me, you’re the common denominator.”

“Hindi mo naman kailangang gawin lahat para maging masaya… Kailangan mo lang alagaan yung nagpapasaya sa iyo…”

Not everything you have stays forever… But there are things you would be glad to fight for… Just so you can have them a little longer.

Legacy. “The measure of a man’s character is not what he gets from his ancestors… But what he leaves his descendants.”

“Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It’s not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It’s when you’ve had everything to do, and you’ve done it.” –Margaret Thatcher

“The only fool bigger than the person who thinks he knows it all… Is the person who argues with him.”

Falling in love was never in my plan… Until one day… I woke up loving him too much…

“You’re lucky to have friends. Not everyone has a friend.” –The Little Prince

Maybe I’m dreaming of you. Maybe you’re dreaming of me. Maybe we exist in each other’s dreams and every morning when we wake up we forget all about each other. –The Time Traveler’s Wife

What we’re looking for, we never really knew – at least, not until we stumbled onto it. –The Rule of Four

There are quite some things that have happened since the last time I updated. We finally have an OJT place, which has really made me happy. Problem is, I don’t know what the policies are there… How they’re going to grade their students and all of those things. And then I’m also happy because we have company there, aside from my thesis group, we have Em and friends. I used friends because I don’t want to enumerate their names anymore. Haha.

Tomorrow is our retreat. Hay… I just started making letters for my friends last night. I haven’t even gone halfway. I guess it’s my fault because I write too much. I really like writing, especially because I know how to express myself more… And of course, I like making people touched through writing for them.

I still don’t have food for the retreat tomorrow. I still have not packed. I actually plan to pack when I wake up tomorrow morning. Waha. What a very lazy person. I don’t even know which bag I’m going to use… And what are the stuff I’m going to bring. Oh no… I have not bought the materials needed for the retreat. That’s bad… Hay. I can’t believe they’re making us buy it instead of providing for it. We paid a lot for the retreat in our tuition fee and they’re not going to provide for those stuff? Grrr. Maybe I’ll shop later.

Have to find time to go to OSA tomorrow and get my good moral thing… Hay. So much to do in the morning, I hope I get everything done. I can’t believe there’s no stopover. Naku talaga. I think that the first thing I’m going to do when we get there is sleep. Waha. I hope I get to let the prof sign my good moral tomorrow so that I can pass it already and all my worries will be over. Need to pray about it.

Our thesis is kind of on the edge… I don’t know if that’s the right idiom to use. I ‘m hoping that we could administer the test by this month. Hope for the best really… Hay. It’s tough when you don’t have a population and all you want is to start already but you can’t. I hope everything goes well before the end of this month. I hope that by the time we get back from the retreat we would have good news already, news that we can go to Zambales and administer the tests.

And then there’s Training and Development. Crap talaga. I can’t believe pa importante siya sa buhay naming. Why does she have to ask for so many requirements? I still can’t accept my group mates. Ok fine, I can’t do anything about it anymore… But I will get mad at them if they don’t do their part properly, I swear I will. Especially if they have excuses about their thesis and the other parts of their lives. Grr. Dapat talaga ayusin nila! Medyo naghahabol ako ng grade.

Ok, now it’s time for me to be emo. Sometimes I ask myself if love is enough. How would I know if he is God’s best, like everyone used to say? I don’t know if they still say it now since I haven’t seen them for a long time already, I miss MHCS. I actually walked out on him the other day, I got so pissed. I felt like crying, and we were in the mall. Goodness. And then he wasn’t talking… Grabe, hindi ka ba marunong mag sorry? Putek talaga yun. I even went to the comfort room just to have alone time. Just to put out all the anger. Why are men so insensitive sometimes? As in super. Takte. And lalaki ng EGO niyo!!! Bwisit kayo.

That’s enough. I still have behavioral reports to do. Goodbye for now.

By Dr No
Me d i c a l S t u d e n t s Ma i l b o x

THE KIASU
This subspecies is a common sight in its white coat and is always happily preparing needles and drip sets. They are famous prowlers and constantly cannibalise the HO species to provide them with cases. Always eager, they can be seen 24/7 waiting for the next baby to deliver or the next patient to clerk. They do not eat, sleep or drink but only require constant night calls to survive. Thriving on histories and examinations alone, they strike fear in patients as they make their approach with a glib tongue that asks the question that cannot be refused, leading to hours of agony. Some of the subspecies are famously known to exhaust their patients so that no other can take a history. Others just camp at the Accident and Emergency Department.

THE OVERLY ACADEMIC
You will recognise this subspecies by the typical look that would characterise most of the intellectually inclined. Do not call them nerds, for it is unseemly in this era of biomedical research and evidence-based medicine. They will question your knowledge and your suitability as a doctor if you do not know your medicine well. They have an air of intellectual superiority, the proud step of arrogance and
the temerity to even question the significance of the p-value of the randomised clinical trial quoted by their professors. They snap at the very chairs of these professors, waiting to one day unseat and claim the places for their own. Upon their gigantic craniums, there lie a definitive pair of spectacles and an air of unquestionable wisdom. They used to devour textbooks but for those who have an insatiable appetite, the New England Journal of Medicine provides their weekly sustenance. They are also not known for their vanity, for they believe that the brain is the biggest and most beautiful part of the anatomy. Clinical acumen is a boon, though not all possess it. The Overly Academic usually prefers medicine to butchery.

THE GUNNER
Some people would think that they are part of The Painfully Enthusiastic. But they are different – they tend to be only painfully enthusiastic when posted to the discipline of their choice. Otherwise, they are pretty much the same as the general cohort of medical students. They display clenched fists of determination as well as clenched buttocks of anality. They too love procedures and journal clubs. Unlike The Painfully Enthusiastic who attends and does all these mindlessly, The Gunner, however, goes for these activities to be inspired. You will also find that The Gunner does not suffer the situational linguistic paralysis that plagues the rest.

THE MISSING
The most elusive of them all and the rarest subspecies – not in number but because you do not even spot them. They are famously invisible, only appearing on command or on direct order by the Associate Dean’s Office, sometimes the Dean’s Office. There is no characteristic feature about them except that they are usually not to be found. Even if they appear, they are either late or arrive to fall
asleep. You might find them outside the hospital having recreational activities but they are known to be able to dodge the attendance lists as their signatures magically appear on the lists despite their absence. Perhaps they did visit the
hospital after all.

THE WEAK
It comes as a surprise that there should be such a subspecies, for should all medical students not realise that medicine is about blood? Well, The Weak are not just haemophobic. Some just have a very huge vasovagal response. They can be spotted occasionally dropping into the arms of their male colleagues, and for some, into their female colleagues’ arms. This loss of consciousness is usually precipitated by either the first anatomy dissection or surgery, sight of blood, perception of pain, delivery, dead body or seeing a forensic pathology dissection.
Another subspecies is usually frustrated constantly by the demands of their professors, leading to mental and emotional breakdowns, stress-induced lacrimation, hysterical fits and depression. There will be some who unfortunately are weak academically.

THE QUESTIONABLE ADMISSION
This is a subspecies that usually the doctors recognise. It is characterised by the obvious inadequacy in medical knowledge. They are more interested in their myriad of extracurricular activities. Commonly mistaken for The Missing for they do go missing often, but not absent. They are usually invariably the polar opposites of The Overly Academic. Tutorials are impeded by this subspecies. There has been argument about the pathogenesis of The Questionable Admission. Some have suspect values, others are genuinely slow learners,
some cannot think on their feet, most are uninterested. Rare are the ones who are just embarrassed to show their intelligence. But most are definitely questionable.

THE SENSITIVE SOUL
The Mother Teresa Subspecies − “I have come to save the world from HIV/cancer and so on.” It is quite hard to differentiate them from psychotic patients as both have delusions of grandeur. They will willingly give $10 to a COPD patient who needs to buy “coffee”. Not all are that gullible but they can be fearsomely enraged when patient sensitivity is compromised. Usually clashes with The Mindlessly and Heartlessly Painfully Enthusiastic. Willing candidate for nongovernmental organisations and Medicine Sans Frontieres, and Chronic Third World Country
Medical Aid Helper. They are quite tormented by the sight of suffering and pain, fanatically caring for the patient and even going beyond the bounds of duty. Buddha and Jesus Christ would agree with them taking on the pain in
the world on themselves. Some are highly religious and their dedication to serving patients border on fanaticism. These tormented souls thrive on “Thank yous”, low pay and idealism.

THE ONE-TRACK MIND
Usually mistaken for The Gunner. But The Gunner knows what he or she wants while The One-Track Mind knows only one thing and nothing else. The latter is famous for not really trying to excel overall but only excelling in the discipline of choice which is mostly related to surgery, for The One-Track Mind feels that the best way to cure people is to saw off the diseased afflicted part of the body. A significant percentage prefers to just do the bones. This subspecies also has the tendency to not bother about a patient’s other medical conditions, unless they significantly affect their marks in the extremely anal-retentive-must-know-every-single-syndrome medicine/geriatrics/paediatrics postings. In the adult world, they only care about how to ensure that diabetic patients can be shunted to medical wards so that their surgical wards are free of
long-staying patients, on the pretext of “I do not know how to treat the disease.” For some of these doctors, the pretext is unfailingly true.

THE JUVENILE
Mistaken for The Weak at times. This is not a student who will only crumble under pressure or faint on sight. Also congenitally has a high vasomotor tone, prone to blushing and being embarrassed. Some pee or pass motion in their
pants. Has a tendency to ask silly questions and would also frustrate the examiners. Classically related to encounters of the opposite sex, specifically guys in breast/O&G clinics and girls in urology/hernia clinics. Classical triad
of blushing, silence/stammer and trepidation. Frequently insulted by consultants who tell the student to not forget the patient’s own nakedness and awkwardness before the disappearance of the triad. Also pathologically afraid of per rectal examinations or any contact with bodily secretions, blood notwithstanding.

THE SLACKER
A bipolar version of The Gunner. This subspecies is famous for falling asleep in
school or sometimes going missing in the day, but still getting their distinctions despite minimal studying. There really should be an EEG study of their sleep cycles for abnormal intense brainwave activity. Others, however, do not possess the intelligence but still get by. Another similar subspecies is The Joker. He also is a slacker but his predominant energies are concentrated on entertaining and being the life of the CG in the drab surroundings of the hospital. Always pulling pranks on people and getting into the occasional trouble.

THE INSPIRATIONAL
These are the ones who you know are destined to be doctors. Some have blue blood running in their veins. Some are just inspired by medicine. They live and breathe medicine. Characterised by perfect manners, great conduct and superb
service. Also has a healthy dose of idealism but in huge contrast to the overly Sensitive Soul, they walk the talk. They are an inspiration to all especially the ones who are Juvenile and Weak, for they are seemingly so confident and unafraid to approach a patient and take a history. In addition, they have other impressive extra-curricular commitments that heighten the level of respect. They do not feel fear and they ease away patient fears. They give hope and courage to patients to bring them through the last frontier. Some are chronic aid workers too; others, however, wow the world with their humility. This is The Real Slim Shady.

THE JOCK
Famously athletic, and famously slack. Part Slacker but also part Academic. They could not have entered medical school with less than stellar results. Will respond to the call of duty when any intrafaculty, interfaculty or staff versus student games are being held. Quite the sportsman, always participating in some
triathlon, marathon or sporting event held on weekends. Always seen with a shoe bag and sometimes, forgoes black leather shoes for comfortable sports wear. Can be spotted in the mornings or evenings around the hospital jogging and never seems to stop. Essentially the typical medical student hunk/babe. Inspires stares from student nurses, who hope that the jock is single and available. Sweat only adds to the desirability. The Jock just oozes pheromones.

THE ARTISTIC
“All the world’s a stage” – and The Artistic loves the tragedies that play out in the hospital. What more with the issues of life, death, suffering and all the kaleidoscope of feelings that mankind has. They say medicine is an art and this
sense of idealism inspires the artist in them. Staging plays and always rounding people up for playhouse, they thrive on creativity and are definitely the entertainers in the house. A rare subspecies in this age of scientific medicine,
they used to be a lot more common. Sharing the same idealism as the tormented Sensitive Soul, The Artistic is a lot more optimistic and channels negative energies into creativity and works of art.

THE UNSCRUPULOUS
The bad sheep of the flock. They are definitely a Questionable Admission and a bad nut. Usually one of the rarest – a mistake in upbringing and selection criteria – some are motivated by money, others are unmotivated by patients and suffering. Have suspicious values and often sabotage and take advantage of others. Painfully Enthusiastic to a certain extent but if their goals cannot be achieved legitimately, there is always the hook or crook method. Only detectable if they let their guard down.

THE SANE ONE
Quits Medical School.

1. If I had known what it was going to be like, I would never have done it.
2. You’ll study more than you ever have in your life.
3. Only half of your class will be in the top 50%. You have a 50% chance of being in the top half of your class. Get used to it now.
4. You don’t need to know anatomy before school starts. Or pathology. Or physiology.
5. Third year rotations will suck the life out you.
6. Several people from your class will have sex with each other. You might be one of the lucky participants.
7. You may discover early on that medicine isn’t for you.
8. You don’t have to be AOA or have impeccable board scores to match somewhere – only if you’re matching into radiology.
9. Your social life may suffer some.
10. Pelvic exams are teh suck.

11. You won’t be a medical student on the surgery service. You’ll be the retractor *****.
12. Residents will probably ask you to retrieve some type of nourishment for them.
13. Most of your time on rotations will be wasted. Thrown away. Down the drain.
14. You’ll work with at least one attending physician who you’ll want to beat the **** out of.
15. You’ll work with at least three residents who you’ll want to beat the **** out of.
16. You’ll ask a stranger about the quality of their stools.
17. You’ll ask post-op patients if they’ve farted within the last 24 hours.
18. At some point during your stay, a stranger’s bodily fluids will most likely come into contact with your exposed skin.
19. Somebody in your class will flunk out of medical school.
20. You’ll work 14 days straight without a single day off. Probably multiple times.
21. A student in your class will have sex with an attending or resident.
22. After the first two years are over, your summer breaks will no longer exist. Enjoy them as much as you can.
23. You’ll be sleep deprived.
24. There will be times on certain rotations where you won’t be allowed to eat.
25. You will be pimped.
26. You’ll wake up one day and ask yourself is this really what you want out of life.
27. You’ll party a lot during the first two years, but then that pretty much ends at the beginning of your junior year.
28. You’ll probably change your specialty of choice at least 4 times.
29. You’ll spend a good deal of your time playing social worker.
30. You’ll learn that medical insurance reimbursement is a huge problem, particularly for primary care physicians.
31. Nurses will treat you badly, simply because you are a medical student.
32. There will be times when you’ll be ignored by your attending or resident.
33. You will develop a thick skin. If you fail to do this, you’ll cry often.
34. Public humiliation is very commonplace in medical training.
35. Surgeons are *******s. Take my word for it now.
36. OB/GYN residents are treated like ****, and that **** runs downhill. Be ready to pick it up and sleep with it.
37. It’s always the medical student’s fault.
38. Gunner is a derogatory word. It’s almost as bad as racial slurs.
39. You’ll look forward to the weekend, not so you can relax and have a good time but so you can catch up on studying for the week.
40. Your house might go uncleaned for two weeks during an intensive exam block.
41. As a medical student on rotations, you don’t matter. In fact, you get in the way and impede productivity.
42. There’s a fair chance that you will be physically struck by a nurse, resident, or attending physician. This may include slapped on the hand or kicked on the shin in order to instruct you to “move” or “get out of the way.”
43. Any really bad procedures will be done by you. The residents don’t want to do them, and you’re the low man on the totem pole. This includes rectal examinations and digital disimpactions.
44. You’ll be competing against the best of the best, the cream of the crop. This isn’t college where half of your classmates are idiots. Everybody in medical school is smart.
45. Don’t think that you own the world because you just got accepted into medical school. That kind of attitude will humble you faster than anything else.
46. If you’re in it for the money, there are much better, more efficient ways to make a living. Medicine is not one of them.
47. Anatomy sucks. All of the bone names sound the same.
48. If there is anything at all that you’d rather do in life, do not go into medicine.
49. The competition doesn’t end after getting accepted to medical school. You’ll have to compete for class rank, awards, and residency. If you want to do a fellowship, you’ll have to compete for that too.
50. You’ll never look at weekends the same again.
51. VA hospitals suck. Most of them are old, but the medical records system is good.
52. Your fourth year in medical school will be like a vacation compared to the first three years. It’s a good thing too, because you’ll need one.
53. Somebody in your class will be known as the “highlighter whore.” Most often a female, she’ll carry around a backpack full of every highlighter color known to man. She’ll actually use them, too.
54. Rumors surrounding members of your class will spread faster than they did in high school.
55. You’ll meet a lot of cool people, many new friends, and maybe your husband or wife.
56. No matter how bad your medical school experience was at times, you’ll still be able to think about the good times. Kind of like how I am doing right now.
57. Your first class get-together will be the most memorable. Cherish those times.
58. Long after medical school is over, you’ll still keep in contact with the friends you made. I do nearly every day.
59. Gunners always sit in the front row. This rule never fails. However, not everyone who sits in the front row is a gunner.
60. There will be one person in your class who’s the coolest, most laid back person you’ve ever met. This guy will sit in the back row and throw paper airplanes during class, and then blow up with 260+ Step I’s after second year. True story.
61. At the beginning of first year, everyone will talk about how cool it’s going to be to help patients. At the end of third year, everybody will talk about how cool it’s going to be to make a lot of money.
62. Students who start medical school wanting to do primary care end up in dermatology. Those students who start medical school wanting to do dermatology end up in family medicine.
63. Telling local girls at the bar that you’re a medical student doesn’t mean ****. They’ve been hearing that for years. Be more unique.
64. The money isn’t really that good in medicine. Not if you look at it in terms of hours worked.
65. Don’t wear your white coat into the gas station, or any other business that has nothing to do with you wearing a white coat. You look like an ass, and people do make fun of you.
66. Don’t round on patients that aren’t yours. If you round on another student’s patients, that will spread around your class like fire after a 10 year drought. Your team will think you’re an idiot too.
67. If you are on a rotation with other students, don’t bring in journal articles to share with the team “on the fly” without letting the other students know. This makes you look like a gunner, and nobody likes a gunner. Do it once, and you might as well bring in a new topic daily. Rest assured that your fellow students will just to show you up.
68. If you piss off your intern, he or she can make your life hell.
69. If your intern pisses you off, you can make his or her life hell.
70. Don’t try to work during medical school. Live life and enjoy the first two years.
71. Not participating in tons of ECs doesn’t hurt your chances for residency. Forget the weekend free clinic and play some Frisbee golf instead.
72. Don’t rent an apartment. If you can afford to, buy a small home instead. I saved $200 per month and had roughly $30,000 in equity by choosing to buy versus rent.
73. Your family members will ask you for medical advice, even after your first week of first year.
74. Many of your friends will go onto great jobs and fantastic lifestyles. You’ll be faced with 4 more years of debt and then at least 3 years of residency before you’ll see any real earning potential.
75. Pick a specialty based around what you like to do.
76. At least once during your 4 year stay, you’ll wonder if you should quit.
77. It’s amazing how fast time flies on your days off. It’s equally amazing at how slow the days are on a rotation you hate.
78. You’ll learn to be scared of asking for time off.
79. No matter what specialty you want to do, somebody on an unrelated rotation will hold it against you.
80. A great way to piss of attendings and residents are to tell them that you don’t plan to complete a residency.
81. Many of your rotations will require you to be the “vitals *****.” On surgery, you’ll be the “retractor *****.”
82. Sitting around in a group and talking about ethical issues involving patients is not fun.
83. If an attending or resident treats you badly, call them out on it. You can get away with far more than you think.
84. Going to class is generally a waste of time. Make your own schedule and enjoy the added free time.
85. Find new ways to study. The methods you used in college may or may not work. If something doesn’t work, adapt.
86. Hospitals smell bad.
87. Subjective evaluations are just that – subjective. They aren’t your end all, be all so don’t dwell on a poor evaluation. The person giving it was probably an *******, anyway.
88. Some physicians will tell you it’s better than it really is. Take what you hear (both positive and negative) with a grain of salt.
89. 90% of surgeons are *******s, and 63% of statistics are made up. The former falls in the lucky 37%.
90. The best time of your entire medical school career is between the times when you first get your acceptance letter and when you start school.
91. During the summer before medical school starts, do not attempt to study or read anything remotely related to medicine. Take this time to travel and do things for you.
92. The residents and faculty in OB/GYN will be some of the most malignant personalities you’ve ever come into contact with.
93. Vaginal deliveries are messy. So are c-sections. It’s just an all-around blood fest if you like that sort of thing.
94. Despite what the faculty tell you, you don’t need all of the fancy equipment that they suggest for you to buy. All you need is a stethoscope. The other equipment they say you “need” is standard in all clinic and hospital exam rooms. If it’s not standard, your training hospital and clinics suck.
95. If your school has a note taking service, it’s a good idea to pony up the cash for it. It saves time and gives you the option of not attending lecture.
96. Medicine is better than being a janitor, but there were times when I envied the people cleaning the hospital trash cans.
97. Avoid surgery like the plague.
98. See above and then apply it to OB/GYN as well.
99. The money is good in medicine, but it’s not all that great especially considering the amount of time that you’ll have to work.
100. One time an HIV+ patient ripped out his IV and then “slung” his blood at the staff in the room. Go, go infectious disease.
101. Read Med School Hell now, throughout medical school, and then after you’re done. Then come back and tell me how right I am.”

Brought to you by the edgy folks of MedSchoolHell.com

This day is kind of like one of the most hectic… Even if it’s a Saturday and it’s not supposed to be this way. I can’t seem to find time to study because I’m worrying too much about Scarlet. Who’s going to play in the unity games tomorrow? I absolutely do not know if they’re going to be complete. And I don’t know if more than two boys are allowed to play in volleyball… Bastos naman. I did not sign up for this. I thought that everything was already ok. I mean, I still have to worry about their uniforms because they might not match and we might not get to play. Grrr. Badtrip talaga.

And then the officers are not replying. They are the ones who know the players and I don’t know their contact numbers, how am I going to ask them if they’re going to play? Goodness naman. It’s just 8pm and they are already not replying. What the heck are they so busy about… Kakainis!! I hate being the president na… I am so ready to give up.

Another reason why today is so hectic… It’s because when I tried to sleep this afternoon, I couldn’t sleep properly. All I could hear was pounding and noise that drove me crazy. I couldn’t sleep because the workers are making another room at our backyard. Grr. It made me even more stressed when it was already 4pm and they were still working. They usually left around that time, but no, of course it was different today, today of all days, when I decided to sleep. Grr talaga.

Am I allowed to be emo again like my last post? Haha. Well… It’s hard to try to be too understanding about everything especially if things don’t go the way you want them to. Honestly, am I too nice sometimes? To my friends, of course not. I know how mean I am to them, all the time. But to howe? Hay… Who could ever tell me the answer aside from him and me? The beautiful answer, no one.

I still have to do our thesis for tonight. I haven’t even studied for school yet because I have been texting for more than an hour trying to find players for tomorrow’s game. It really sucks that only a few of the officers are replying. It seems as if I know who cares and who does not. Haha. I think I already know, even before today… Who actually does care.

So much for updating. I think I write too much and talk less often. Text a lot and speak a little. I think I’m the type of person who doesn’t know how to express oneself verbally but I can when I write it down, or type it, or something like that. Haha. I guess this is enough for tonight… If I’m going to write something more, it’s going to be friends only, or maybe private. Hihi.

There’s this part of me that wants to give up… I’m kind of sad and I know why, yet I know I shouldn’t be. I know I should be used to this feeling by now. Now I know what people say when it’s hard to have a long distance relationship… That is finally sinking in. I mean, yes, you get to talk… But the absence of the person, it’s just different. It feels different. Every weekend you hope that you’d see each other, but you know it’s not going to happen. And the sad thing it, it’s as if he doesn’t care. It’s as if he’s implying that I should be used to it already. But I’m not, definitely not. Hay… I kind of don’t know how to tell him, so I just keep it all to myself. And how do you tell your friends? I mean, what can they do to help? I just try to be optimistic about it, I try to be happy, I try to show everyone that I am happy, even if I’m not. And the saddest part is that no one actually knows how sad I am.

I just can’t stop thinking how much of a burden my problem would be to my friends, I mean, what do they care… Yes, friendship is being there for your friends, but how the heck are they really going to help? I mean, they’re going to say, ok lang yan, kaya mo yan. Yes, they’re just going to repeat everything you’ve already told yourself. Hay… Point is, no one can relate to what I’m actually saying, which is why no one can make me feel any better than how I already make myself feel.

Still thankful though… That I get to laugh once in a while, even if the other side of my life is sad.

Funny moments that have happened that I can so far remember…

Mike Tan. Yes, special mention. On Monday, when I was with Alex and Ayn, we actually did not know what room we were going to go to. It was supposed to be CL2, and then Alex insisted that it was 305… So we went upstairs. When we got to the room, Mike came along with us, and then, Alex said… Tama ako oh, andito din siya. And then Mike replied… Sinundan ko lang kayo eh. Mwahahahaha!! That was so funny. I can’t believe he followed us to the wrong room. Tsktsk. Oh well, lesson learned.

Mike Tan again. A while ago, we were all worrying about the index card for Spanish, and then Jess didn’t bring her glue. So I told her out loud that I had a stapler. Yey. And of course I had to look for it. While looking for my stapler, Mike said… Paheram ng stapler mo. And I gave him an odd look… I told him… Teka lang diba hinahanap ko pa. In my mind actually, I was like telling him… Ganun ba tayo ka close na ang lakas ng loob mong maunang mangheram? Waha. I just laughed by myself, inside of course. He actually borrowed my stapler before my friends did, funny.

And then there was Training and Dev. period, which happened on Monday as well. My groupmates, well, I don’t want to say anything bad about them… But it was funny what they did. So I was looking at Cookai and then she was writing down our names already after we were asked to stand up. And then when everyone was asked to pick a number I looked at her and she looked at me and we understood each other that she would be picking the number for the group. When it was finally time to pass the paper, Frynx, my other groupmate, had a paper of her own. And I was like, nagsulat din siya? Harhar. One thing to laugh about. And then when the prof was already asking which group numbers each group was assigned to, they both responded. It so happened that both of them also picked a number for the group. Another thing to laugh about. Monday was very funny. Well, not the whole day of course.

So as for happy moments, that is all I can remember… Bad moments naman.

Monday is the day when everything happened. We had to pretend that she was sick, so that we could get to talk to our adviser and ask for help. And then she had to buy milk tea, which is the most stupid thing she has done, since it was already 1230 and the line there was really long during that time. So she had to come so late that we were all so shocked and I was really embarrassed because what would our adviser think of us? Liars? Bastusan pa ang entrance niya. No decadence or whatever you call that crap.

And then a while ago… Hay. Can’t believe we had to waste our time to go to the hospital just to inform the head there that we would no longer be doing our practicum in the hospital. It sucks actually, that we were the first to pass the letter but we were just not present during the interview because we had class so it turns out that being first didn’t matter because we still have to look for a different site. Oh well, life sucks. Overconfidence sucks. Hahahaha. It just pisses me off knowing that we had to do all of that because of her, and it’s not that I’m not thankful of her mom, it’s just that… Why did they have to insist when they knew that it wasn’t possible anymore? Hay, oh well, that’s life.

So now, I will be studying PGC and I will be doing the translation for our thesis. I hope I get to translate the right file and I hope I get to finish what I need to finish.

So I kind of missed p3 people. We all laughed at Doray's stories about Ja nagging her day in and out. And of course I hugged Gillian (I'm betting she's going to read this). Hahaha. I actually had fun being with my thesismates, especially because of the semi-free food. Semi because I know part of that was my money. Haha.

And now that I am sick, I still have a lot to worry about, like Scarlet stuff and all the deadlines. Why now that I am sick? I was feeling better a week before, why didn't they do all the meeting that week? Oh, I remember, it was vacation and All Soul's Day. Crap.

All I actually want is for him to come and see me, and after that I think I’m going to be better already. Of course that’s just a theory, but it’s worth a try, all for my sake. Question is, am I worth anything. Haha. I am such a pessimist.

I just realized how I am surrounded by people who love me. Annoying as it may seem that they tell me to drink a glass of water every 30 minutes and I already feel so bloated. Annoying that they wake me up just to have breakfast and continue badgering me whether I have taken my medicine.

I absolutely hate being sick. Tomorrow is our monthsary and my high school friends and I are planning to go out, tapos hindi ako papayagan. Grrr. Putek talaga. Ito na nga lang yung last few days ng sembreak eh! Bwisit talaga.

Ok. Enough. Time to play typing maniac on facebook. Waha.

I’m so glad that the semester is over. But at the same time I’m kind of sad because I was hoping that my sembreak would be filled. In so happens that our plan to go to Ilocos did not happen. Haha. I hope we get to reschedule it before the next semester comes. I’m really thankful that I was able to go through with this semester, and it is over. I just really pray that I would get high grades and become a DL. Hay… Hopefully, it will all be true. I know my grades are not that great, but somehow I feel that I can make it, if I pray hard enough and if I really deserve it.

Another reason why I’m sad is because I realized that I am fourth year and the last semester would be those last moments I would spend with my classmates, and my close friends. And then there’s med school. Do I really want to go to med? Of course I want to go. Haha. It’s just that I don’t know if I am willing to study longer… Hay. It’s so hard to make life decisions. Hihihi.

Then there was the pictorial last Friday. It was a blast. It was great. I have a lot of pictures. Thank God I have facebook. Harhar. I grabbed all the pictures containing me. How awfully vain I can sometimes be, especially when I am in full make-up. Howe even said that my make-up was too much. Of course I knew that, and of course I needed to tell him that it was a must because of the pictorial. No shit… Ang sama. Oh well, that’s me.

I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m glad I went to DV with friends last Thursday. It was really tiring. Kari treated me Mcdo after. My feet really ached that time because we just kept walking. I actually did not buy anything, which kind of sucks because it felt like I wasted my time. But it was cool because I got to spend time with my friends. Racy also helped me buy the flowers that I used during the pictorial. Hihi. And of course I helped her as well. And then I bought Jessica her rose for her creative pic, which by the way she has not paid me yet, but it’s ok I guess, it’s only 20 pesos.

Our Ilocos trip got screwed up because of the stupid Ramil typhoon, which eventually left the Philippines and did not do as much damage as expected. Therefore, we all felt that we should have gone, even if we didn’t. It’s just that we were afraid of getting stranded, and it was 10 hours away. Haha. But it’s ok… I guess, that’s life.

I feel like a bum at home. It’s either internet or sleep or tv or eat. Nothing more profitable. I want to cut my hair, but I want to ask mom for money to cut my hair. What else are my plans for the sembreak? Baguio is a must for our thesis. I just made the parental consent a couple of minutes ago, and I do hope it’s right. EK, with high school friends, on Saturday, gastos na naman. I’m still thinking if I’m going to go. I was shocked when Marke texted me yesterday and then suddenly invited everyone to Singapore or Thailand ba yun? I forgot. I was so shocked, man, where would I get that much money in less than a week. Hahaha. Palibhasa mayaman kayo, ako nagtitipid. Hihi.

So far so good. My agenda for tonight is to grab the rest of the pictures from the pictorial and finish brainstorming mom’s letter that has been long overdue. I really hope that it’ll make her even happier than last year’s letter did. I do hope I get to think of something great again. Is this my gift ba? Making letters? It seems that it is one of the things I never get tired of doing. Hihi.

That’s all for tonight. Happy sembreak everyone. I miss Gillian. Harhar. I’m sure you (Gillian) will be touched if you get to read this.

My guinea died today. I cried. Sa tanda kong ito… Umiyak pa ako noh. I guess I just tell myself that I have every right to cry. That is my pet anyway. Besides, I fed it, bathed it, groomed it, and all that I could possibly think of. I even watched it in amazement sometimes, just because watching them makes me happy. There were seven of them, and now one is dead… That makes six. I’m kind of sad that it died… I took care of the mother when it was already pregnant… And then I even watched her give birth, to her second batch of babies… Maybe that’s why I’m so affected. Anyway, I hope the others don’t end up the same way.

I am really, really sad right now. It’s as if something so big destroyed the life out of me. I don’t even want to look at the guinea pig anymore… It’s wrapped in a face towel and I don’t know what to do with it. I didn’t even get the chance to name it… It’s just two months old. Two months, and one day old… Hay. I’m so sad, somebody please brighten the rest of my night. I can’t believe it’s almost the morning. Hay… I remember the last few minutes of its life. I wish I didn’t sleep the whole afternoon, I would have seen that it was already week. I only noticed it around 8pm. And then when I picked it up, it’s as if it was almost dead… And now it is.

It was still alive a while ago… I asked it not to die… I was that desperate. I can’t believe it’s really dead. I was even studying while I watched it lie down on my face towel. I even gave it something to drink… Hay. It was squinting every now and then, as if it was in pain. I guess it’s not in pain anymore… But I’m still sad. I’m sad because animals do not have souls, and I only gave it two months to enjoy this world. I’m so sad… Really, really sad… Somebody tell me to move on.

The vet said it was trauma… It might be trauma. But I didn’t drop it… Maybe it’s because I gave it a bath. It got too cold? And I wasn’t able to dry it properly. Hay… I honestly need to move on.

Anyway, today’s class was suspended. I actually don’t know what the whole point of suspension was. Maybe it’s because they’re afraid that the students might get stuck in school and then they’d have to feed all of us. Hihihi. Or maybe they don’t have money to feed the entire population anymore.

It’s weird that our prof told us to stay even if she was just going to announce that our quiz will be moved already. She just wasted our time when we all thought that we would already get over that long overdue quiz. Well I guess it’s a good thing because it’s not enumeration as well expected it to be, therefore, we get time to study, as if we’re going to study. Well, I think I’m going to study, but I’ll wait until tomorrow to do that.

I just slept when I got home. I don’t feel like talking about the rest of the day after school anymore, seeing that I think I already talked about it a lot. Who would have thought that today, my guinea would die… Definitely, not me. Still sad, bye for now.

Today I went to school early because I was supposed to print the stuff for OJT. And then it turned out that I got there even earlier than planned. It’s a good thing that Jess was with me for I would not have known what I would have done during those minutes of alone time. She ended up accompanying me to the printing place and then we went to the classroom. When we got there, the class before us was already gone, which meant that we had the room to ourselves. The only thing we did was to study, for we had an exam in hrm.

HRM class – no so perfect
While waiting for the time to pass, all of us just studied because we were afraid of the exam. We didn’t know what our prof would give in the exam, which was why all of us studied as much as our brain cells could endure. The labor code, book 5. Who the hell would give that whole book as the coverage to a quiz. That fact was so full of crap.

Opang and I, together with Aibelle, continued to study. Well they studied for the quiz after hrm, but I chose to continue studying hrm. And then after a while I complained because I really couldn’t understand the labor code. And then again, that exact line Aibelle said was like déjà vu of what Opang said before “wag mong pilitin”. But I knew in my gut, that I had to force myself to study, simply because this was hrm and this was the subject that I would be so low in. I still tried to study until mam came… And then the test began.

When I looked at the paper, all I saw was heaven. It was easy. To me… It was easy. Maybe because I expected it to be harder. Although I did not review that part a hundred times, I was thankful because that was the only part which I understood. I was also thankful that she gave us enough time to answer her quiz. Thankfully, I got a perfect score. Thank God for that. I am so grateful that I got to somehow pull my grade up with that one quiz.

And then of course the ruined part of my day was when she had to continue with her grudge against our class. I, for one, cannot understand why there is so much hate in them towards our class. Whatever did we do to them that they hate us this much? I just can’t understand. The only thing they ever do is to compare us with our sections, which is what I hate the most. A section will not speak of what the students in it are, for each individual student in that class is different. Besides, of course the only students they would notice are those who are loud and who seem to know everything, and who always recite, they are the ones who will catch the prof’s attention. If only they would give our class a chance, I’m sure we would prove to be even better than the other sections. We are the class who’s enthusiasm brightens every prof’s mood, with our jokes and side comments, although sometimes they may seem overboard.

What exactly did mam do to make my day the not so perfect one? Well, when she finished collecting our papers after our exam, it was time for her to leave the room. But before she could leave, while she was already walking towards the door. I raised my hand and then… I said, “Ma’am? Ano po ang coverage ng finals?” She looked at me, full of loath, as if I was nowhere to be found, and then turned around and walked away. Screw her!! I asked that question with sincerity and she answered me just like how a snob would answer me. No one ever does that to me. I believe I did not deserve that, because I respectably asked her that question. She was so impolite, and I cannot believe she did that, especially to me. The only thing I thought of after she left was, ang sarap niyang sakalin!! Grr. Oh well, get over. And that is how my almost perfect day came to be.

SCL class – not so perfect as well
We were given the chance to review for the quiz when mam left early. We had an hour to study for the scl quiz. Haha. Well of course we didn’t study at once, we still talked a while and then Jess and I bought yema. Harhar. We studied after a while. What made scl perfect? When I got a perfect score for my quiz! Haha. Thank you Opang. What made it not so perfect? When sir gave another lecture and finished the one and a half hour for the class… And to top that off, he said we would still be discussing on Thursday, goodness me.

ARTAPP – perfect
Well, I was able to perfect the quiz, thanks to Gillian and Opang. Haha. We weren’t given time to review anymore, just choices for the quiz, so that it won’t be as hard. And then after the quiz, sir dismissed us already. Haha. Wow naman… It was fun.

What I’m going to miss most about this class, is that sir brings out the frustration that has built within me for every week and for every day. And that I did learn to appreciate art in its most unique form. I learned that… Some profs are too good to be true. And that profs like him do exist, but they’ll only get to teach you once in a blue moon.

That practically ends my almost perfect day.

When I got home, I prepared myself. And then I wrote Jessica her write up, and then here I am, writing on word before connecting on the internet because my broadband is prepaid. Hahaha. I already told howe the story of mam and her cruelty towards our class. Gill and I were texting a while ago, I don’t know what happened anymore.

I plan to find something to play on facebook… If not, then I’ll download a game, or whatever. Harhar. I’m happy that tomorrow the only thing I’m going to worry about is the quiz in research, which I’ll study in the morning. And then I get to enjoy the night… Hihi… I’m almost happy today, except with that memory of what mam did… Oh well, again, get over.

I think I’m going to miss college, because I know med will be ten times, or a hundred times harder than undergrad.

Gillian made my days.
She ruined it. Harhar. Gillian and the elites knows about this. Practically everyone but her.
I got to spend time with the elites.
Mam ces walked out of our class.
Mam portia is our adviser. And an uber mabait prof.
We had a blast for our reporting.
Howe and I miss each other. Wahahaha. Emo!!!
Em and Gillian made me a write up. Thanks!

That's about it.

Special mention. Gillian:) Nice person. Thanks for everything sweetest little friend.

“Kung masaya ka, wag mo ng isipin kung bakit. Damahin mo nalang habang nararamadaman mo pa.”

It’s pointless to be in a relationship if you can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with your partner. True love is not a pastime. Choose someone whom you can share and talk things with and whom you can be friends with for when the passion runs out, your love for each other will remain.

Tibetian saying: “If a problem can be solved, then there’s no need for worrying… But if a problem cannot be solved, then what’s the use of worrying?”

“That love feely given can be taken away by the given and that love cannot be and should not be forced.”

The true test of whether we are happy is if we can climb into bed alone, in silence of our rooms and enjoy the company.

How do you know if you’re valued? It’s when people do things for you. Not because they have to, but because they really want to see you happy.

“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” –Gloria Steinem

The secret of contentment is the realization that life is a gift, not a right.

“People do not live nowadays. They get about ten percent out of life.” –Isadora Duncan

“Forgiving is love’s toughest work, and love’s biggest risk. To forgive is to dance to the beat of God’s forgiving heart. IT is to ride the crest of love’s strongest wave. To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you.”

So last week, I was with Cris for one whole day. Since there were no classes for one week, we decided to help out. I actually invited her to go to ust because the council told us that they needed our help, and so we went. But then when I got there, even if I was already late, nothing was still happening. So I just waited for Cris to arrive. When she did arrive, we decided to leave.

We went to cubao where Christian invited us. There were a lot of people there, and it took us a while before we could get in. It’s funny because my name ended up becoming JV and Cris’ name became Christian. Waha. It was great to have helped out. Cris and I made beds out of carton. We were there from 12nn until almost 4pm. We took the mrt to go to trinoma… And then we went shopping.

We went shopping for howe’s birthday gift. Yey… Cris helped me. And then we bought dq and then did more shopping. Well, window shopping actually… She fitted a jumper and I tried on shoes. I was actually supposed to buy shoes but then I decided not too because they were too big. She was also supposed to buy the jumper but then it was too expensive and she wouldn’t have any money left. We ended up eating at world chicken. Hihi. I was so full after that… And then I went home. I had a blast for that day, and I was also so tired after.

For the rest of the week, I forgot what I did already… I just remember that I was really tried. Haha. Oh I remember howe and I went to watch The Ugly Truth. It was so funny. And then we went to Starbucks after… Where I realized that it would be a good thing if my thesismates and I went there to do our thesis, which would happen if they’d sleepover at my place.

My mom also bought me the broadband I now use as my internet. It’s really faster… Harhar. That’s why I have a facebook! Yey. And everyone was really shocked and glad that I finally have one. Well, I don’t see it as something I would be dying for. Anyway, I think that’s about what happened for the week.

I guess we are all lucky that there are no classes today, but I honestly pity those who got affected by the rain. I can't believe that in 9 hours, the rain was more than that of regular rain in a month, which was according to the news yesterday. Martin said that my prayer went a little too far, which I think is absolutely true. On friday night, I prayed that the rain would be hard because we didn't have a representative for the forum the next day, and that forum was critical for our org's recognition next year, which was why I prayed really hard. On saturday morning, I was still worried and all and then the rain started to pour harder and harder until Martin told me that it was canceled. After that, I was already happy. But then, the rain kept pouring, which was not part of my prayer anymore.

Bum is the word I am applying to myself. I don't know what to do... If I study, I don't know what to study because we would only be attending school for two days this week because of the suspension. It's really sad that the rain has affected that much people. I have no idea how to finish my compilation, simply because I don't know where to put my name. Also because the first year and fourth year programs are not yet with me, which I think will never be sent by my supervisor.

Christian invited us out. But I don't know if it's really going to happen because Racy isn't going already since she said they had to clean their house. Cris texted me a while ago and then she didn't reply anymore so I don't know what her decision is exactly. I don't want to watch a movie, I don't want to spend money. My mom has not given me my allowance yet and I don't feel like going out. But if they're going out, then ok fine... Conformity. I hate that word.

I'm kind of happy right now because I get to use the internet, a little quicker than my usual dial up. It seems that I have so many thoughts to write down now. I can't believe it's been quite a while again since I last updated. I got mad at my mom a while ago because she told me to stick with dial up while I didn't have a new laptop yet. Ugh. I told her no. I told her that we should get a broadband already because I have been wasting enough time waiting on yahoo mail to work every night. I have been wasting more than an hour of my nights simply to log into yahoo mail. I hate that fact, I hate the time wasted when it could have been sleep instead. But of course, I doubt that we're going to get the connection by wed, just as she said a while ago. I'm sure somehow she's going to be too preoccupied and forget, and then she'll just end up paying the dial-up, which by the way is not working anymore because we have not paid since I don't know when. Life sucks.

And then there is thesis. Gelo is not replying to any of our messages in the internet, we don't know what happened to him. We don't know if he's ok, but we hope he is. We need his contribution for the edit stuff. I don't know what Gillian was talking about a while ago about Aprille being online and then nahilo daw siya sa comments nila, which I totally agree with. Haha. I actually took out some of the comments already because I knew she would react that way. Hopefully we get to finish out thesis in time... I forgot that I still have to vote for the test we're going to use. Haven't voted though, have not even checked the file yet. I hope everything turns out well. Really want a 1 for research.

It's howe's birthday tomorrow. How ironic that the first time we spent his birthday together, we ended up not being together. What happened last year? I don't remember. But the year before that, I do. Haha. It's not something I hope for, that we get to spend his birthday together and I get to surprise him, somehow I know that's never going to happen. We have been fighting since saturday, on and off. Haha. Reason? Walang kwentang mga rason. It's funny if I think about it... Maybe we're fighting about petty reasons because we have nothing else to fight about, what a reason. And then we end up telling ourselves that it's because we miss each other, another stupid reason.

I haven't finished my journal for ojt yet. Waha. Plan to finish it tonight. I think I have 7 more insights to write, or is it 9? I forgot. I think I have quite a lot that I can do that I'm still not doing. I feel so bored even if I know that schoolwork is little by little piling up. Oh well... It's really weird that I'm not as happy as I was the other day, don't know why.

Things I ought to do.
ETAR hw. I think after I do the homework, I'm going to start reading the book.
HRM report. I already made my ppt for my report, but I'm going to edit it so that it'll be uber summarized. And then I'm going to study book 3 because I'm sure that the test will be on thurs, she's not going to move it.
OJT journal. Yeah. Got to finish it already.
THESIS. I don't know what else I'm going to do with the thesis, except, vote part.
SOC PSY report. I have to refresh my memory on what my report really is because tomorrow Lia and I area going to talk about our part. We're going to make a play out of our report. Hihi. I'm also going to study chapter 9 already, because I'm also sure that there'll be a quiz on fri.
ART APP. Read the book. Oh my gosh, when will we work for our photography thingy which is due next tues. Crap, I forgot about that... Hay lagut na. Friday nalang kaya... Wala ng choice eh, unless they are all willing to go to school tomorrow, which I don't think so.

I think that's about it for tonight. Wow... finally a long post after a while. I have more thoughts actually, but they are more private that I don't want to write them down anymore. Hihi.

Even if you do things the right way, some would still be unsatisfied. Some will not appreciate what you say and what you do. And there would always be people who would let you down too… But for as long as you speak honestly from the heart, you’ll be fine. This is not a perfect world. This is not a perfect life. Life is almost always unfair… But life loves the person who dares live it…

I’m not bound to be stupid… I’m empowered to make right choices. It’s just that sometimes, I choose to be stupid… For a bit of what they call happiness.

When it rains, all birds fly for shelter but the eagle alone avoids the rain by flying above the clouds. Problems are common to all, but attitude makes the difference.

“After a while, you can make yourself believe in almost anything, so I’m making myself believe in you.” –Saves the Day

“And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me. You’re all kinds of beautiful as you end my day.” –The Spill Canvas

“Happiness isn’t always forever. But sometimes, the best happiness are the temporary ones. Those moments that seem to last a lifetime.”

“I wonder how people can tell you that they love you… Yet they were never there to make you feel it…”

Life they say is touch and go: People will only be there fore you some time, but those who find you special, will always find ways to stay.

Forget what if’s… Because the more you ask yourself with these, the more you’re making yourself feel that you made the wrong choice…

I'm at kari's house right now... Using her laptop and all. I guess I felt like updating because the internet is fast. And I am also able to open my other accounts. Haha. I can't believe class later will start at 5pm. We're going to school for only two classes, and they are even minor subjects. We have a recitation and a quiz.

Although we have to leave here earlier because gillian has a meeting at 3pm. She said she's going to treat us ice cream for needing to leave earlier since we're going to go to school early because of her. Haha. Aprille left earlier, around 9am a while ago. It's a good thing kari said it was ok that she went ahead, I do not know what we would have done for all those hours had we gone with her a while ago.

I kind of don't know why we had this sleepover. I felt like we didn't do anything last night. Or was it just me? Since I was doing my part on my own and I got kind of lazy when I found out that my part was just easy. Hihi. I just went on the internet last night and helped my other thesismates.

I'm so excited for camille's birthday. Harhar. Mary pumunta ka, nagbabasa ka pa ba ng lj ko? It's going to be another reunion. Howe's still at subic, he's coming home next week. So I guess we won't be able to celebrate, which is something not unusual. At least I know I'm going to do something this weekend already. Problem is, I don't know if mom's going to allow me since it's at night and I'm going to borrow the car. Hay, how I honestly wish she would let me drive already. Goodness.

Patience. Sucks at times. Oh well. Time to go. I kind of don't know what I'm going to write anymore. Oh... I remember, I found out something about someone last night. Haha. Maybe it's a thesis secret thing. How many of that would we actually have? No idea, but I'm glad I'm here and not there... Honestly, I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who is that concerned about our thesis. That's all for now... Goodbye.

Frankly speaking, my interest in updating seems to be drifting... Or is it because my time is taken up mostly in schoolwork and on playing plants vs zombies. Haha. Oh well... I will never figure out the answer to that question. What happened to me? What happened to my passion in updating my journal every now and then? Haha. It's like the flame has gone... Well, here are my thoughts for now.

What does it feel like to know that some things are different? To know that some things will never be the same. It's so weird... To have to live with it every single day. I mean, I know that I am blessed, and yet I can't help wonder still about all the what ifs, about all the could be. I can't help but continue to be a pessimist.

What would it take for him to prove to me that he won't do everything I think he will? When he in the same way thinks that way of me as well. I mean, could you ever forget about that thought? He said... I'm no longer in love, because a person who is in love does not think that way. I guess I just do love him. But even then, even before I ever loved him, I already thought that way. Maybe I'm just protecting my heart, I'm learning that it's not as though as I thought it was. And this time, I'm sure that if it's going to break, it'll take me longer to move on.

Maybe it's always going to be like this... When I talked to him about it... He himself did not have anything to say... Is it wrong to ask someone else for advice? Friends... They are there... But how would I know they would understand? It's so strange... When the only thing I get to tell them are the simple ones, and not the hard things that I think about day and night. Not to mention the fact that I hardly get to be with them anymore... Since, of course, my fault, I left them.

And then, of course, according to Cris, the root cause of all problems... There will always be the big what if thought. What if it happens again? What if he lets it happen again? Will I have enough of it next time around? Will there still be a next time? Hay... I hate the part which of this problem that haunts me. Being a pessimist, it's easy to think about all the bad things the one you love can actually do to you. Why do I think that way? Why can't I just learn the word trust...

Update on thesis... We have another instrument to look for... I hope they reply soon so that we could have something to work with. So far so good. At the end of the month, we'll be passing chapters 1-3. I really hope we get good grades. Really hope so. My grades so far suck. As in really really really... Borderline I might say. How the heck am I going to reach for honors now... Huhu. I would have to work twice as hard... That would be a realy problem, seeing that I'm already working my ass off as it is. According to Opang, I shouldn't force myself to study. But if I don't force myself to study in the condition that I am already in, then what grade would I end up having? Not a passing mark at all. Haha.

The only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I know I am almost finished. I will be graduating soon, and it's either the corporate world or the medical world. The educational life as I know it is only a third option, because I do not plan to be like my profs. Hahaha. Medicine... I am looking forward to it. New friends, new life. It's hard to think of all the what ifs again... Hay, pessimist much.

I guess this should be enough for tonight... I watched ironman a while ago, nice. Wala lang, sharing... I'm so glad there are no classes tomorrow. I'm not glad about OJT though, hihi. Hay... I'm already tired of waking up early and my supervisor still asked me to go even if I'm already done with my 100 hours simply because she wants me to supervise the peer facilitator thing? What the heck... Then I guess it would be better if I don't complete my 100 hours yet for this week... Hayo. Hate this. All for a grade of 1.

What would it take me to be a better person? I don't know... There are actually a million questions running through my mind. Yet I know I will never get to know the answer to all of them. Only time will tell. Only time will prove the reality of it all... So much for tonight. I still have to study. Goodbye. Goodnight.

“Even if you think the flame has died, there’s at least one lyric that’ll hit that last hot spot, and then you’ll find yourself as fucked up as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see her again.” –John Mayer

“I’ve seen enough to know the beautiful things don’t always the same that way. I’ve done enough now to know this beautiful place isn’t everything they say…” –Good Charlotte

“You always know what you want… Oftentimes, you just don’t know what you are willing to give up for it.”

One cannot question the existence of feelings. They are there, raw and undeniable. But one can choose not to nurture what is felt. Yet, no matter what they say, what has been felt will always be more honest than what was chosen.

“Loving and winning is the best thing. Loving and losing is the second best.”

“I just need something to happen, I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I’m going to die today.” –Grey’s Anatomy

“Here’s me. Take me for what I am with all my frailties, all my stupidity, and so on. And if you can’t, leave me alone.”

“The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.”

“Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is by holding it back.” –Leo Buscaglia

I guess when you love someone you’ll realize that it would never be about you and how your relationship will be… But rather, it’s about staying intact and finding ways of making things all right when life says it shouldn’t be… It’s called defying all the odds, for something they call… Our everything…

They say people falling in line for a ride in amusement parks are crazy… They wait for several hours just to experience a five minute ride… But actually they’re not, because they don’t mind waiting… They look for happiness though they know… That it takes time…

“When you hear your heat beat in unison with another even for the most fleeting moment, that’s one moment you will never forget.”

“The heroism in love is not only seen in the way you fought for it, but also in the way you surrendered it, even though it was supposed to be perfect.”

“In order to find yourself, you must first lose yourself. Because you never really lose yourself… Only temporarily. You don’t lose anything you ever have.”

“Don’t miss love. It’s an incredible gift.” –Leo Buscaglia

“There’s a million things that I don’t know but there’s one that I do. And that’s I love him. And I’m going to love him day in and day out until the day I die.”

So this is it. There’s no turning back. I’m not going to ask you anything. I have to believe what I know, that you didn’t love me after all. When I know, at the back of our minds, if we gave ourselves one last chance to talk, we will have to break all the laws of nature… –The Witch of Aschyta

“…Don’t be afraid to start all over again…” –Benjamin Button

“It’s always about you. About your problems, about your excuses, about your happiness. What about me? I’m tired of having left nothing for myself. So when I walk out tonight, don’t think I’m doing it so you’d notice, because for once in God knows when, it’s really just going to be about me.”

“The way you’re moving in your sleep, the way you look before you leave, the strange illusions that you keep, you don’t know but I’m noticing.” –Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

“I realized that if it’ll only hurt you, then I’d rather keep my mouth shut. Honesty is not always necessary.”

“People do get second chances. Maybe not with the same person, but with someone so much better.”

“We laugh and laugh, and nothing can ever be sad, no one can be lost, or dead, or far away: right now we are here, and nothing can mar out perfection, or steal the joy of this perfect moment.” –The Time Traveler’s Wife

“Real love is about two people who can live without each other but choose to be together. Always remember that. Love is not and never will be about dependence.”

There are only few key moments in somebody’s life. A person is fortunate if he can tell in hindsight that in that instant, his life is going to change forever.

“I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention.” –Austin Burroughs’ Running with Scissors

“Don’t love the one who is beautiful for the world, but love the one who makes your world beautiful.”

“And I’m worried… I, I’m afraid that he took my ability to believe. And I hate him for that. Because I always believed before, and now I just feel… lost. And I am… I’m trying to put myself out there, but… I feel hopeless.” –Sex and the City

“Maybe love is like that… When you’ve given your hear tot someone, you don’t get it back exactly the same way.”

“Even though, I kind of knew we were a lie, it was like a pain reliever. I mean the pain was still there, but I didn’t feel it for a while.” –One Tree Hill

“I wish I could have been better for you. But if you really did love me, you would have felt that I was the best even if I didn’t have to try.”

I'm still awake at 430am. Haha. We have not finished chapter 1 and we have not started with chapter 2. Whatever did we do for the last 4 hours? Hshshs. I don't understand how we could have talked about so many things and still not have done anything in writing. Maybe it's because our 'leader' isn't here. But actually, she isn't our leader... She went to sleep earlier because she's at her church's retreat. Oh well, that's life.

I wanted to finish chapter 1's intro but they turned off the lights already... And so I guess I'll just have to finish it another time. But then I actually convinced them that I did want to finish chapter 1 and so they allowed me to open the lights and here I am writing while they're trying to sleep with the lights on. Hihi.

I hope we get to finish everything in time for the deadline... Seriously and honestly. I do not want to be cramming during prelims week. I hate that feeling. I do not want to be having to sleepover again for the sake of thesis, even if I'm willing to... I want to write so much much more.

Howe called a few minutes ago. He woke up from his sleep. How strangely sweet, and he called me. Wow... I wonder... I keep wondering of the same things, I keep thinking of what should not be thought of. It really bothers me that I am a pessimist sometimes but I think it's how I cope with everything I have to face in this world. Hahaha.

Goodnight nalang. Going to do chapter 1. I have to sleep too after a while I guess.